It often feels as though I don't belong in this world. Why else have I been made to be so incompatible and ill-equipped with what is necessary to survive in a world where all the things that seem to matter, do not actually matter at all?
I fear these insatiable desires that do nothing but feed into themselves, greedily trapping anyone who wanders too close. And yet they always ask "what's wrong with wanting fame, beauty, wealth, esteem, power, or acceptance?" ... as though it were self apparent that these things are worth the trouble of having, when they themselves are worth nothing in the end. In the end, we will all die and none of it will matter.
What does matter, from what I can tell, is the quality with which one has lead their life; how they have treated others, their true passions, and the changes they have made in the world no matter how imperceptible. And yet, these are so often the things that are rarely acknowledged by so-called accredited institutions and the glorious pages of history texts.
It seems that legacies are born mostly out of vanity and greed (where there is vanity, there is always greed as its right hand).
I am guilty of all of these desires, and I wish I was not... but how else can I survive in this world when these are the very things that are demanded of me? (Is it merely coincidence that fibromyalgia has also made my body allergic to itself?)
My dream of escaping far into the wilderness has slowly become less of a dream, and more of a reality as each day passes. And despite my indecisiveness and irrational fears of the unknown, this I can be sure of: I want nothing more than to experience life from its marrow--in its purest form--in complete freedom and simplicity. And if I cannot do this, then I would rather not live at all in this fabricated human existence.
2 comments:
Oh, nice that someone said that my blogs aren't showing. I just totally forgot I had made the security thing and removed them at one point. But here http://flower-of-hell.blogspot.com/
You're right memories have shadows even after you forgive the people it doesn't mean you wouldn't be mad at them sometimes. I love that thought of purest form of life, I'm searching it (or I think I am) at the moment... and as far as I can tell, it's about interacting. Just remember sweetheart meeting right people and talking is not trapping, if they feel like they're trapped by your story, then they're not right people for you. It doesn't mean that you couldn't be with them, it just limits what you can tell... find those people and be brave! <3
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like for maybe just a day, to not remember any of my past; maybe I would be happier? I think that's only possible with brain injury, though...
And yes, it's hard to find people who value the things that are important and who have a positive influence in your life while not feeling like you're weighing them down... that's why, I think, it's important to find satisfaction in yourself before finding it in other people. It's hard to appreciate the goodness in others if you're so caught up in your own demons.
Post a Comment