I have never been very good with maintaining friendships, and I don't think that it's something I will ever really overcome. There are a number of reasons, including my difficulty in trusting others, but I think that much of this has to do with my struggle to maintain a consistent personality.
My lifelong fear of criticism and rejection has lead me to believe that I must be a certain way with each person that I'm confronted with, leaving little room to reconcile the multitude of personalities I've created. All of this in order to feel as though I am accepted and loved, even by those who shouldn't matter to me.
Should I be the arrogant and sarcastic pragmatist or shall I be the sensitive and timid idealist that's so often buried deep within my jaded exterior? Feeling hurt and exposed, I have often in the past opted for the former in order to shield myself from further injury. Vanity and pride are always at their peak here, and though I may not be particularly joyful, I feel as though I actually do deserve to live, and my motivation for action also returns as a result. But the cost of this is always my connection to the world, as well as my compassion for other people; becoming a cold and calculating Machiavellian absent of regret and remorse.
Like everything in the world, it never lasts. I am hurdled once again back to stasis; an empty room filled with rows and rows of tattered costumes, waiting to be worn over and over again. Who shall I be next: the starving/tortured artist? esoteric musician? leader and athlete? compassionate animal lover? hermit? obedient daughter? chronic depressive? etc...
I am all of these things and yet, I am not. It's in moments like this, where I recall the various people that I've been, that I see how truly hollow I've become.
4 comments:
I've often felt the same way. Friendships are exhausting because it involves a dance on eggshells while juggling chainsaws. Took me a long time to realize that the people who stick around, no matter my mood or behavior, are the ones I want in my life. I may have fewer friends than most, but those I do have, I treasure.
Stay strong. Someday you'll find a way to fill the hollow parts.
You're right about the eggshells and chainsaws. It usually requires nearly endless conversations in my head to convince myself of feeling "safe" in behaving a certain way toward a particular person. But, having a small handful of quality friends is definitely better than having hundreds of superficial ones, and in that sense, I am glad to be an introvert sometimes.
This is actually a really common thing, everyone acts differently around different people, depending on what your relationship is, how well you know them, gender... I know I do it. It can be pretty bad really, when you realise that you've had friends for years and that after all this time they still have some distorted perception of how you actually are. All I can say is try to relax, and if you feel threatened, stand up for yourself :)
I suppose when done to the extreme, it is indicative of someone having lacked acceptance most of their lives... and so we try needlessly to gain acceptance in other ways. Other times, for me at least, it often feels confining/limiting to be one type of person for long, and so I reinvent myself... though I am always left unsatisfied. It's hard to stand up for my "self" when i don't really know what my "self" really is...
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